Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative

Tips for Co-parenting After Separating

By Megan McQueen

Download a copy of the full tip sheet PDF.

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For more detailed information about working with families with foster children, please refer to our earlier blog post.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, importing a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and puppy.

Parenting Children with Disabilities

A young child with a hearing aid playing.

By Megan McQueen

When my nephew received a diagnosis of a rare genetic syndrome, our family was grief-stricken, scared, confused, and also relieved. Doctors tested for multiple issues, some of them grave. We knew this would lead to more questions, life-changing effort on his mother’s part, and constant anxiety. Our love for him was steady – we all quickly gained perspective and gratitude for healthy days.

A diagnosis of a disability in your child can flood you with many emotions including anger, denial, sadness, and grief. Parents may also feel relief. You may have felt that something was “off” and your child was struggling or you were failing as a parent, when in fact, there were underlying issues leading to your child’s overall needs. Cope with your emotions and understand that there is no shame in how you are feeling. Raising a child can be stressful and considering extra ability issues may be overwhelming at times. Find healthy ways to manage your stress: walk with friends, join a social group, trade baby-sitting with a neighbor. Work with your emotions so that you can reach full acceptance of your child and be willing to ask others for help. 

Make a plan with your medical team to support your family. Here are suggestions to get you started.

Focus on what your child can do. This one goes for all parents! Focusing on the positive developments in our children will be uplifting for us and them. We see more of what we look for, so keep your eye out for growth and moments of joy. Connect with your child and express your unconditional love for them.

Seek out early intervention. Childrens’ needs vary widely based on their diagnosis and often within the disability. You know your child better than anyone else and can help figure out how your child fits in with their diagnosis. Ask your pediatrician about what services are available to help your child. Early intervention can make crucial differences for young children. 

Write down your questions. Oftentimes, you will feel as though you have more questions than answers, especially when searching online for advice. Keep a notebook or a notes app on your phone to record all your thoughts and questions so that you can stay organized when you’re meeting with professionals. It also may help to have someone attend doctor’s appointments with you so they can record information and you can focus on the conversation and your emotions.

Find a support network. Reach out to a support network that “gets it.” Every parent can share stories about their children, but sometimes you need a group that understands just what you’re going through. Connect with other caregivers that have children with additional needs. Look for online groups specific to your child’s diagnosis and also seek out families in your community that can share insights to your local resources. Many school districts have a special education parent network.

Provide a variety of social opportunities. Nurture friendships with many different children. Look to your neighbors, schools, daycare, even friendly families you meet at the park. Diverse friend groups offer glimpses into other worlds and promote accepting, inclusive relationships for everyone. Give your child opportunities to problem solve and struggle a bit to build their resiliency and independence skills. 

When I become overwhelmed with sadness about my nephew, I remember that strength comes from love. He and I are both stronger when we focus on the love we have for each other and our time together. You may not be able to change news from doctors, but you can always choose love, kindness, and tenderness.

Children’s books:

Books for Parents:

Online Resources:

  • Common Conditions The CDC has compiled information about a variety of disabilities and disorders.
  • Early Intervention Information about Early Intervention services, including contact info by state.
  • Global Genes Resources for rare diseases and disorders.
  • Search your child’s specific diagnosis for a research-based organization

For a downloadable tip sheet, please visit our other blog post.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, importing a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and puppy.

Tips for working with foster families

By Megan McQueen

Download a copy of the full tip sheet PDF.

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foster-family-tips-for-ed-page-2

For more detailed information about working with families with foster children, please refer to our earlier blog post.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, importing a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and puppy.

Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce: For Parents

Photo by Blake Barlow on Unsplash

By Megan McQueen

When I was teaching, I often supported families as they navigated a transition from parenting together in one house to co-parenting in different households. I reminded families that children are resilient and there were ways to support them through the process. Families are also resilient! Caring for yourself and holding your family in your heart will help guide you in making helpful, hopeful decisions for your loved ones.

Going through a separation or a divorce can be traumatic for both children and parents. Take steps to temper the stress. You may be navigating feelings of grief, anger, disappointment, or maybe even relief, freedom, and joy. Many children and adults have many different feelings and that is okay. Lean into your support network for help managing your emotions. Find a trusted counselor who can help you through this process. By caring for yourself, you will model important habits for your children. You will also be a stronger, more present parent if you can maintain your focus on your childrens’ needs when you are with them.

There are tools you can use to put your child at ease and build their resiliency as you move through this transition. 

Focus on the positive moments. Talk with your children openly about the strength of your family. When processing a traumatic event in my life, I learned the phrase, “Strength comes from love.” This has become my mantra when facing challenges large and small. Relationships may affect me deeply at times, because I am loving deeply. I don’t want to change that about myself. Remembering my love as my source of strength becomes powerful. We must learn to accept things out of our control (while working toward improving them, if possible). We cannot be positive about everything, of course. It is important to acknowledge our true feelings and deal with them. But try to reframe things when you can. As Neil Barringham says, “The grass is greener where you water it.” 

Build a social network. Find people who care for you, share your joy, and listen to your struggles. Realize that each family member will need people for these roles. Help your children connect with counselors, teachers, cousins, and friends. You may need to seek out new or different resources as you navigate new economic situations and possible new legal territory. There is no shame in asking for help. You are caring for yourself and your family and allowing others to do the same.

Teach your child healthy ways to process their feelings. Give your kids quiet time with you to connect. Even if the separation happened a while ago, kids may unknowingly have feelings of resentment or abandonment that it might help them to work through. Try the “Rewind, Remind” technique adapted from The Whole-Child Brain. You can go back through a stressful story and retrain your mind to think differently about a situation. Talk through a stressful event and tell your child that they can pause the story whenever they would like to by saying “pause.” They can fast-forward to another part of the story until you arrive at the end when there is some closure. Then, go back to a part of the story that was skipped and talk through why that part was difficult. Notice any physical changes – increased heart rate, shallow breathing, etc. and talk your child through calming exercises. Breathe deeply together. When calm and processing the challenging parts of the story, you are telling your brain that you are safe, even though this hard thing happened to you. This resiliency-building exercise can be used for all kinds of difficult life events or future challenges you’re anticipating. 

Show interest in your child’s life when you’re not together. Ask about how they spent their days apart from you. First, center yourself so that your conversations are genuine and do not seem that you are digging for information about their other parent. Ask open-ended questions such as: What was the best part of your day? What was your not-the-best part? (Some families call this the Rose and Thorn or Highs and Lows). If you are not getting many details back from your child, try questions such as: Did you go anywhere in the car? What did you do after lunch? Or you can play games such as Guess Which is Real. Your child can tell you two things that happened and one they make up. Your job is to guess which is which. This is a fun way to cultivate connections and build your child’s ability to remember and recall.

Maintain consistent boundaries and expectations at both homes. Kids thrive with structure and routine. As best as you can, talk with your co-parent about what expectations are important to keep in place at both homes. Try to maintain consistent guidelines and routines. 

Just as your marriage or partnership did not fail, it just completed its time, your family is not broken; it is evolving. As difficult as this period may be, know that you are not alone. Many other couples have had to navigate this transition and you will also. Keeping your childrens’ needs as priorities will help guide you through this time. 

Books:

Picture books:

Middle grade: 

Adult: 

Web Resources:

  • Co-Parenting The University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Parenting Advice contains ideas specific for co-parenting.
  • Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents The Help Guide focuses on mental health and wellbeing as they explore tips for parents.
  • Family Resiliency The University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Parenting Advice site shares research-based ideas for building resiliency.

Please visit our tip sheet for more suggestions about co-parenting.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, importing a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and puppy.

Working with Families with Foster Children

A smiling woman and young child cuddling.
Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

by Megan McQueen

As an educator, I had the chance to work with families as they became foster parents. I watched excitement build as families anticipated meeting their new children. I watched families field comments from well-meaning friends and was struck by one conversation in particular. When one parent shared they were getting ready to bring a new child into their family. Another parent said, “I could never do that. I would just get too attached.” The foster parent (who already had children) responded, “Oh, I will get attached too. But, isn’t that the point?” 

*

Working with foster children and parents requires sensitivity and understanding of the parenting needs they may have that are similar to those other families face as well as needs that may be unique.  Foster families may be in transition to adoption or may be fulfilling a temporary need. Many of the children in foster care have experienced multiple forms of trauma and neglect. They may be experiencing fear, deep distrust, grief, and nonattachment. Parents may be exhausted and overwhelmed from emotional outbursts, living with children who are unhappy, and navigating social work systems, and also joyful as they get to know a new child in their family, and excited about experiences they will share together. Parents may also be carrying a range of emotions, including excitement and joy or worry and fear. They may also be dreading a looming date when they will have to say good-bye to their foster children.

Considering the unique needs of foster families can help parenting educators better support and serve all families across their community. Try these strategies with the families you serve: 

Teach self-care and calming strategies. Caregivers may experience a range of emotions – from joy to relief to depression and demoralization. Learning calming strategies may be especially helpful for this group of parents. Self-care can ward off bleakness, provide families tools to manage hectic schedules, and model positive habits for their children. Begin parenting classes with a small practice to calm parents, give them a tool to practice at home at the end of classes (there is a list of some practical ideas here – such as #29: Start a genuine conversation with someone you care about that covers the following: things that are going well, things you’re having a hard time with, and things you are grateful for), then check in at the next session about their homework. Demonstrate with your time the importance of this effort. Tools can be simple, such as taking a quick walk around the block, scheduling medical appointments, and a time-out for parents, or more thoughtful and time intensive, such as finding back-up childcare and creating an organization system for schedules. Move beyond bubble baths and manicures; prioritize routines and efforts that will create a long-lasting effect.

Help families learn about child development. Validate families’ feelings by sharing child development milestones. The University of Wisconsin-Madison has a helpful website to bookmark for families. When people understand children’s emotional phases and why they may be “stuck” there, families can offer more patience and compassion to the children and themselves. They will be more likely to react in helpful ways because they better understand what their child needs from them. Parents can build in practices at home that will provide growth in emotional intelligence that may be missing. 

Encourage families to play together. Never underestimate the power of play! Create time for play before, during, or after your class. Inspire families to play together by sharing simple ideas that they could try at home with minimal resources. Play will help new families bond and create positive memories. Children may also work through some of their fears or stress through role-playing, safe physical play, or free play. Adults need to play too! Even if the children are in childcare during parenting classes, create a playful atmosphere, laugh together, and blow off steam through playful exercises built into your classes. I love the idea (found here) of classmates writing answers to a question on a small piece of paper, then putting their paper inside a balloon. Everyone blows up the balloons, ties them, then takes a few moments to toss the balloons around the room. After 30 seconds or so, people grab a balloon, take turns popping it open and reading the suggestion inside. Put out coloring sheets and colored pencils for students to use throughout class, build in short games that will ask students to move and laugh together, find things to celebrate together.

Build community within your class. Foster parents need to connect with others they can lean on. This may be friends, extended family, or a religious group. It can also be your parenting class cohort! By getting to know each other better, families will find common ground and relate. Community is often built in small ways over time. Help the group connect with each other and encourage them to share contact information or social media names so they can continue their friendship after the class ends. Often people are reluctant to ask others for help. It takes a village to raise a child, no one can go it alone. Remind parents of this often. There is no shame in asking for support.

Foster parents know that the reason for their efforts is to create positive connections with their children. When we hold onto our “why” of creating strong resources for families, we can all make powerful, positive progress. 

  • Play together!
  • Share the importance of self-care for children and adult
  • Teach stress management techniques for children
  • Teach child development science – help children reduce shame, help caregivers feel validated about what they see
  • Provide calm, consistent environment
  • Teach self-regulation skills
  • Encourage families to visit with birth parents if possible
  • Promote strong connections between babies and foster parents
  • Encourage connections with medical team, early intervention, early education

Children’s books:

Picture books: Maybe Days by Jennifer Wilgocki and Marcia Kahn Wright and Families Change by Julie Nelson

Middle Grade: Half a World Away by Cynthia Kadohata

Young Adult: Three Little Words: A Memoir by Ashley Rhodes-Coulter

Web Resources:

Applying the Science of Child Development in Child Welfare Systems : Harvard’s Center of the Developing Child created suggestions based on research to help support children.

A Home Within : Trainings to educate about the impacts of trauma.

Every Child Oregon : An organization that works with the Department of Human Services to support vulnerable children.

National Foster Parent Association : This website complies many resources for foster parents.

Please visit our tip sheet of working with foster families.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, importing a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and puppy.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): What can we do to protect our small humans?

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BY: Nadia King

Did you know that toxic stress as a child can lead to cancer as an adult?

Before very recently, I didn’t either.

It makes intuitive sense that health outcomes would be worse for a child who has experienced trauma. They are likely to cope with the experiences by adopting unhealthy habits such as smoking or drinking, and these behavioral coping mechanisms have costly effects on health. Interestingly, the toxic stress itself can have a lasting impact on the brain and body. It disrupts neurodevelopment and the stress response system, creating a hyper vigilant state of being accompanied by skyrocketing, unnecessary levels of stress hormones like cortisol.  

In 1998, the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACEs) study was published. Looking at over 17,000 participants at Kaiser Permanente Hospital in San Diego, the researchers found a very strong correlation between childhood trauma and adult health outcomes. The researchers included 10 highly stressful events for their measure of ACEs including:

  1. Emotional abuse
  2. Physical abuse
  3. Sexual abuse
  4. Emotional neglect
  5. Physical neglect
  6. Absence of a parent through divorce, death, or abandonment
  7. Parent violently treated by other parent
  8. Drug/ alcohol abuse in home
  9. Mental illness in home
  10. Household member incarcerated

A dose-wise relationship was found, meaning that for every ACE a person experienced, the worse their health outcomes were as an adult. This relationship holds true for over 40 different health outcomes from heart disease to depression. Shockingly, ACEs predict the development of 7 out of 10 of the leading causes of death and having an ACE score of 6 results in a 20 year reduction in lifespan compared to a person with 0 ACEs, on average.

Yikes. This study discovered some pretty dreadful information, especially considering over 60% of the population has experienced at least one ACE.

“Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today.”

Robert Block, former President of the American Academy of Pediatrics

I want to reassure you; there is hope and it comes in the form of resilience and prevention.

This summer, I worked on a research project with the OPEC team at the Hallie Ford Center (funded through the SURE Science program at Oregon State University) that assessed how Oregon healthcare systems are incorporating ACEs science and parenting education into practice. Healthcare systems are an excellent avenue to help families develop this important concept of resilience that I mentioned above. By screening all families for ACEs, practitioners can identify those who are at risk and connect them with helpful resources such as parenting education, therapy, support groups, or stress reduction techniques. These connections can help families both cope with trauma that has occurred and prevent additional ACEs from happening.

As a piece of my research, I had the privilege to interview some of the leaders in the area of ACEs. The interviewees included family care practitioners, researchers, and parenting education professionals. Here are a few selected quotes that highlight some of the emerging themes.


Why ACEs? Why trauma informed care?

“CCOs started looking into ACEs because they wanted to provide preventative care and get to the root of illness and then the more they looked into ACEs they realized what a strong correlation— actually causation there is between ACEs and physical and mental health and well being.”

“How do we cut cost and improve health? Well we go upstream and prevent ACEs as much as possible to improve the health of the community.”

“We get the majority of our parenting information from how our parents treated us… if that’s a negative experience, how do we change the trajectory to help prevent that from happening again?”

“Trauma informed care is looking at the underlying cause to the problem, not just treating the physical symptoms.”

What does this look like in practice?

“Our intervention is primarily doing what we already do as pediatricians: giving advice about positive parenting and doing this even more intentionally for families who have trauma histories.”

“Asking, listening, and accepting as a powerful form of doing is a very important idea.”

Addressing the commonly held belief that families will fight the process:

“We have screened over 440,000 people at Kaiser and have had 0 patient complaints.”

“What I’ve found over and over again in parents who have had these experiences is that there’s a worry in the back of their mind that they will pass this on to their kids, and so they’re usually more relieved than anything else when we ask about ACEs…Families often see their pediatrician as a trusted bridge to services so if we have these conversations in a meaningful way with them then they view it as a way they can get the help that they need. They don’t fight the conversation.”

Recognizing a stigma:

“Many of the these things are too uncomfortable to think about or have been taught very successfully to us as small children that “Nice people don’t talk about it, and my God don’t ask questions about it.”


From these insights, it became clear that this ACEs screening and intervention can be transformative for the way pediatric and family healthcare is approached. It enables the important shift from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”.  Despite the benefits of screening for ACEs, I identified some major barriers to implementation including a lack of time, a lack of resources to provide to families, the absence of a universal screening process, and provider discomfort. Those practices who were able to overcome these barriers and implement ACEs screening were met with positive results. They were able to support families with connections and resources and help them to build resilience.

So what does this mean for parents?

Well, resilience can be strengthened in many ways, especially through the secure and consistent attachment of one meaningful adult relationship. By helping families build these positive relationships with their children, parents can become that person who acts as a buffer against hardship and stress. Parents can also benefit from the knowledge of ACEs science because they can recognize the severe impact that ACEs can have on their family and start finding resources to help them.

ACEs are preventable. Let’s not forget this important fact.

If we can create a society that is aware of the lasting health outcomes resulting from ACEs, then we can ignite people to change and work toward preventing ACEs from occurring in the first place. Although the conversation of ACEs is commonly seen as taboo in our society, it is important that we address it. We need a multi-generational approach where resilience is built and toxic stress is reduced.

If organizations and people come together to address ACEs, we can improve the health and well being of families and children for years to come.


There are some excellent resources where you can learn more about the science of ACEs, toxic stress, and resilience:  

If you join the Ford Family Foundation Select Books program, you can be delivered a free copy of the book “The Deepest Well” by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. Nadine explores the science of ACEs and how she utilizes ACEs knowledge in her practice.

http://www.tfff.org/select-books/book/deepest-well

How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime”

Ted Talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris on ACEs

 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention- CDC on ACEs

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html

An interesting video on ACEs-

“Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.”

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9635069

Building Resiliency: Preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/HEALTHYPEOPLEFAMILIES/DATAREPORTS/Documents/OregonACEsReport.pdf

Trauma Informed Oregon

https://traumainformedoregon.org

Center on the Developing Child- Harvard University: Aces and Toxic Stress Frequently Asked Questions

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/aces-and-toxic-stress-frequently-asked-questions/

Center on the Developing Child- Harvard University: Information about Resilience

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/

Center on the Developing Child- Harvard University: Information about Toxic Stress

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/

This article discusses parent perspective on ACEs screening.

http://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2017-54863-001.pdf

This blog post was written by Nadia King, a student at Oregon State University as part of a summer internship funded by Summer Undergraduate Research Experience (SURE) program.

About Nadia: My name is Nadia King. I’m a third year undergraduate student at OSU studying biology with the hopes to attend medical school. I can see myself becoming a pediatrician or family physician, but I’m keeping my options open. As well as my interest for the hard sciences, I love learning about public health. I’ve enjoyed working with the OPEC team and broadening my perspective and understanding of how parenting education benefits families. I think it’s incredible that OPEC offers free education statewide and even more incredible that this education has the potential to prevent ACEs. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and I hope you enjoy learning a little bit about ACEs!

 

References:

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., . . . Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine,14(4), 245-258.

Photo 1 by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Toxic Stress. (n.d.). Retrieved October 30, 2018, from https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/

Violence Prevention. (2016, April 01). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/

 

 

While My Kid Finds Nemo, I’ll Find Sleep

We were watching Finding Nemo the other day, and I yawned…about 500 million times. As I stared at Marlin doing everything in his power to find his little Nemo, I started thinking about what I do when I am desperate for parenting answers in my own life. I sat back and wished that life would just emulate Pixar magic, and we could all live happily ever after as clownfish in our sea anemone homes. Yet, this is not the case, especially for parents searching for sleep advice that will give their children the rest they need for normal and healthy development, while simultaneously providing a needed extension of their own REM sleep.

We All Need Our Zzz’s

While we may have many personal reasons for wanting to figure out ways to ensure the right amount of sleep for our kids, the most important reasons center around the wellbeing of our children. Listed below are a few key reminders for why sleep is so important for children:

  • The appropriate amount of sleep is critical for healthy growth and development (physically, mentally, emotionally).
  • Children need sleep to be actively engaged and ready to learn at school
  • Establishing good sleep habits early in life can impact those important routines in adulthood
  • Babies need sleep for healthy brain development
  • Quality sleep is associated with heart health, while insufficient sleep is linked to children struggling with a variety of poor health outcomes including diabetes, heart disease, and obesity

The Apparent Contradiction of Parenting Advice

In parenting, there comes a time when you are faced with the stark realization that you may not have all the answers. This moment typically occurs after a few sleepless nights with a newborn, when your head is spinning, and the only thing that you find remotely comforting is the warm glow of Google’s homepage lighting up as you frantically type into the search bar “How to get a 3 month old to sleep more than 4 hours at a time.” You quickly realize that this is NOT comforting at all, as you attempt to decipher multiple websites, blog posts, and parent-discussion forums online. After scouring an overwhelming number of search results, you are typically faced with the following sound and totally reliable advice:

If your baby is not sleeping through the night, it might be because you are putting him to bed too late causing him to be overtired (and messing with an already imperfect sleep schedule). Or, it could be that you are putting your baby to bed too early, and maybe she isn’t tired (I mean, really, what were you thinking trying to catch up on that Netflix series that you stopped watching, ohhh approximately three months ago).

Well folks, these are the options we face according to Dr. Google: a baby that is overtired and needs to go to bed a wee bit earlier, OR a baby that just isn’t tired, and should stay up later to party with you all. night. long 🎉 Clear as mud right?

The Good News

While it is abundantly clear that this format of contradicting parenting advice runs rampant across every online search engine, there is good news here that I am happy to share.

  1. This won’t last forever. Sleep cycles change rapidly as children develop. You will also change to accommodate every phase of this glorious journey, learning to rely on your own parenting instincts.
  2. You actually know what’s best for your child. Trust your gut (even if it tells you to run straight to the fridge for an extra scoop of ice cream after your child finally nods off at night).
  3. There are reliable websites online that have quality information regarding sleep (and I’m going to outline them for you – hooray!).

Online Sleep Resources (that you can trust!)

→ ZERO TO THREE Understand the role parents and caregivers play in building healthy sleep habits for children.

Bookmark this site. Zero to Three is one of the most reliable sources for online parenting information and resources. The site shares the science of early learning in quick and easy-to-digest posts that can be filtered and searched according to your many parenting needs.


→HEALTHYCHILDREN.ORG Sleep is just as important to your children’s development and well-being as nutrition and physical activity.

HealthyChildren.org is the ‘sister site’ of the American Academy of Pediatrics, and is backed by over 65,000 pediatricians. Even better, the majority of resources are available in both Spanish and English. We like this site for the variety of articles that all go toward promoting healthy development of children. For children ages 0-12 months, there is an external link with super special parenting advice for young ones.


→SLEEP CALCULATOR
The Bedtime Calculator is based on the sleep duration recommendations of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine for children and adults.

Sometimes, we just need to know the basics (like how much sleep a child age 2 really needs). This calculator isn’t ‘pretty’ per se, and it is deeply embedded in the article (*hint: you will have to scroll a few times), but it is fun to put in the age of your child and what time you would like said child to wake up, and see just what time the experts (at the American Academy of Sleep Medicine) recommend you go to bed. For the calculator, there is a minimum age of 1 year, but if you note the bullet points directly under the sleep calculator there is a great summary of sleep recommendations for children 4 months old and up. Happy calculating!


 In Conclusion

At the end of the day (literally), there are countless parenting resources out there. If you decide to jump in and start deciphering the madness, remember these few tips (and questions to ask yourself) for deciding if the information is reliable:

  1. What is the source? Is this a website that you trust and are familiar with? Are there claims that it is from an expert, but you don’t see any citation for the resources?
  2. To the best of your knowledge – where is the information coming from? Are you reading through discussion forums, or searching a trusted website which references where the information is coming from?
  3. Is this going to work for your family, and your family’s schedule? Even what others consider the ‘best’ parenting advice, may not be the best fit for your family. Before you make any major changes, take a step back to decide if the advice is really best for your family situation.

For a comprehensive guide on how to spot credible parenting advice, check out this one-pager from MommaDATA.org which includes a helpful list of questions to ask yourself as you determine the quality of online parenting resources.

If there is one thing to take away from this article, please remember that despite all of the information that is available to you online, you can (and should) trust your own instincts and follow advice that works best for your child, and for yourself.

If Finding Nemo can teach us anything on our path to finding sleep, it is to remember that if we just keep swimming we will eventually find ourselves ready to tackle a new day of being the best parents that we can be.


References

HealthyChildren.org. “Sleep.” 1 August 2018 <https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/sleep/Pages/default.asp>.

MommaDATA.org. “How to Spot Credible Parenting News or Advice” 6 August 2018
<http://www.mommadata.org/2017/11/27/how-to-spot-credible-parenting-advice-introducing-the-parents-guide-to-spotting-sound-news-and-advice/>.

SleepEducation.org. “Make Time to Sleep.” 1 August 2018 <http://www.sleepeducation.org/healthysleep/Make-Time-2-Sleep-Bedtime-Calculator>.

WebMD. “Good, Sound Sleep for Your Child.” 6 August 2018 <https://www.webmd.com/children/features/good-sound-sleep-for-children#1

Zero to Three. “Sleep.” 1 August 2018. <https://www.zerotothree.org/early-development/sleep>.

To Cite This Post:

Lewis, K. (2018, August 7). While My Kids Find Nemo, I’ll Find Sleep [Blog post]. Retrieved from<https://orparenting.org/2018/08/07/while-my-kid-finds-nemo-ill-find-sleep/>.


About the Author

Karley Lewis is a member of the OSU Parenting Education Team at Oregon State University, which supports the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative (OPEC). She holds a Masters degree in Psychological Science from California State University, Chico. Karley is a new-ish mom who is having fun trying to learn the ropes of parenting. In her free time, she enjoys hanging out with family, playing a mean game of coed softball, painting and exploring the food and fun of Corvallis. To contact her, please email: karley.lewis@oregonstate.edu*Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative or Oregon State University.

Parents: Reading is great (!), but math is your friend, too

⇒ Download our corresponding research handout:
Spotlight on Parenting Research: Boost Math Skills by Engaging Children in the Home

Why Math, Why?

If you are like me, you may have started to read parenting books while pregnant. Then, if you are like me, you may have tossed all of your parenting books out the window when you realized there was nothing in the book to prepare you for your new and exciting (albeit sleep deprived) journey into parenthood. Regardless, most parenting books do a thorough job of explaining the importance of reading to your child, which is good because there is no question about the benefits of reading to your child (especially at an early age). There is actually a shocking amount of information on Google (approximately 390,000,000 entries – in case you are wondering) regarding the importance of reading. I especially love the tips for parents that insist you do not worry about reading every word on the page, and instead encourage your child to turn the pages at their own free will. Can I just say…this is incredibly difficult for my neurotic mindset. Let me finish the last word on the page, child!

While there is a lot of support for parents in promoting early literacy, there is less information and less support when we think about early math, but as it turns out, math is important too (shocking!). Mention math to parents and you may be witness to a heavy sigh that inherently drums up dormant childhood nightmares of long division, imaginary numbers, probabilities and the all time fan favorite…fractions. Math can be really hard, but let’s just take a second and transport ourselves back to the kindergarten classroom. 

Remember that time when you were treated to an activity with those small dixie cups and piles of colorful (and delicious) M&Ms? We sorted, we counted, and then we ate. Life was good. Let’s just live in that little memory bubble for the duration of this post…and also, let’s just pretend that I don’t pull out my phone to do basic math… hah, just kidding. Everyone does that.

Because the Research Says So

Researchers at Purdue University have recently finished up a study looking at the benefits of early math and literacy skills for preschool children. Participants included 114 preschool aged children and their parents. Parents were asked to report how often they engaged in early math and literacy activities with their child by answering questions such as “…how often did you and your child engage in the following activities?” and then rating on a scale of never (0) to multiple times per day (5). In both fall and spring, researchers visited classrooms to measure children’s early math and literacy skills. The idea was that researchers could test whether engagement in early math and early literacy activities in the home (with parents) was having any impact on how children performed on assessments measuring these different skill sets. According to lead researcher, Amy Napoli, a doctoral student at Purdue University,  “Exposure to basic numbers and math concepts at home were predictive, even more so than storybook reading or other literacy-rich interactions, of improving preschool children’s general vocabulary.”

While researchers acknowledge that more work needs to be done in this area, these findings indicate that young children benefit when parents engage them in activities that promote early math skills. In fact, engaging in math activities may actually help children with both math and literacy skills. According to the researchers, this is likely due to the amount of language inherently tied up in exposing children to early math. For example, when you ask children to place all of the lion cookies on one side of the plate, and all of the monkey cookies on the other, and then ask them to count the cookies on either side, you are asking them to engage both language and math skills – bingo!

By incorporating basic math in our conversations, young children are practicing complex language skills and we are opening up more opportunities for dialogue and communication.

A Few Go-To Resources

Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if there were a few child books that also included math concepts too? You’re in luck, there are. Here are a few to try out:

Also, check out this resource from National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) website for a few activities to try out in the home or on the go.

The Big Takeaway

Reading is super important (do it often!), but math is too, and it can be fun to think of new ways to include math concepts in your conversations and the activities that you do with your child. *Bonus: maybe along the way, you can rekindle your love for math – just kidding: there aren’t enough M&Ms in the world for that. #BEthePARENT


References

Holland, S. [simoncholland]. (2015, August 12). Just sent my daughter & her math homework into a clothing store at the mall because people there are always asking if they can help you [Tweet]. Retrieved from https://twitter.com/simoncholland/status/631621918915821568

Napoli, A. R., & Purpura, D. J. (2018). The home literacy and numeracy environment in preschool: Cross-domain relations of parent–child practices and child outcomes. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 166, 581-603.

Purdue University. “Engaging children in math at home equals a boost in more than just math skills.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 10 November 2017. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/11/171110164020.htm>.

To Cite This Post:

Lewis, K. (2018, January 30). Parents: Reading is great (!), but math is your friend, too [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://orparenting.org/2018/01/31/parents-reading-is-great-but-math-is-your-friend-too/


About the Author

Karley Lewis is a member of the OSU Parenting Education Team at Oregon State University, which supports the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative (OPEC). She holds a Masters degree in Psychological Science from California State University, Chico. Karley is a new-ish mom who is having fun trying to learn the ropes of parenting. In her free time, she enjoys hanging out with family, playing a mean game of coed softball, painting and exploring the food and fun of Corvallis. To contact her, please email: karley.lewis@oregonstate.edu.

 

*Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative or Oregon State University.

Nothing Left to Google: Parenting my own way

For better or for worse, I entered motherhood with zero expectations for the impressively large changes that such a tiny little human being could have on my life. Now, when I look back at the time that our daughter was born, I am immediately overwhelmed with feelings of joy, pride, hope, and yes, even a touch of nervous anxiety. When friends ask me to share the details of my parenthood journey, I am likely to focus in on the fun times because, after all, these happy memories are the moments of our social media glory. Her first smile, her first words, the first time she looked me directly in the eye and said ‘mum.’

Unless you were a close friend, I probably wouldn’t tell you about the neverending days holed up in the hospital to treat my daughter’s jaundice, or about those many sleepless nights leading to zombie-esque days (hello coffee!). I wouldn’t tell you that I struggled to maintain friendships or how it felt mind numbingly confusing to figure out how to juggle major career decisions with a brand new baby at home.

Life Lessons

For me, the opportunity to be a parent is the single largest blessing and challenge in my life. For most of us, that’s how life goes. The things you work the hardest for are often the most rewarding. And friends, parents are the hardest workers I know. Pre-children, I actually had no concept of this. My parent friends would say ‘parenting is hard,’ or that they ‘couldn’t come out to our barbeque because it was scheduled during nap time’.

Don’t get me wrong, I was ‘ understanding’ in every sense of the word,  but let’s be real,  I did not understand. Parent friends of my past, please hear me: I get it now (better late than never?).

A quick search for popular ‘parenting’ blogs on the internet will yield a number of fantastic posts that provide an honest glimpse of parenthood. Some are shockingly raw, and some, a bit over the top, but as a new parent, it has always helped me to know that I am not the only one tripping over my metaphorical shoelaces on this adventure we call parenting.

Parenting in today’s modern era has afforded me a number of resources that were not available to my own parents. I use the Glow Baby app to track her every nap, feed, poop and pee (gross!). I also use the Notabli app to privately share the cutest of photos with all of her nearest and dearest. We have this cute little owl in her bedroom that plays songs for a designated amount of time and then lights up her room with a brilliant starry night sky. We also use a fun and research-based app called Vroom to get inspired to do daily brain building activities. Despite all of these devices meant to ease the burden of parenting, it is still really hard sometimes!  Do you ever wonder how those parents on the Oregon Trail made it here with their little ones (despite the fact that the classic computer game always had my wagon sinking in the river, probably karma for shooting all of the buffalo when I had the chance)?

The Google Addiction

What I didn’t expect when my daughter was born, was to become addicted to my old friend Google. I would be ashamed to share many of the questions that I have googled after becoming a new parent. This reality hit me hard the other night when I entered the following search terms into that blinking and ever ready text box: ‘12 month bedtime routines, Screaming, Crying / No cry it out’. Is that how you spell desperation? As my husband walked into her room to attempt take five of a game we play called  ‘calm her down and sneak out of the room.’ I told him, “Wait! just let me Google this first.”

He looked at me warily, with tired eyes and calmly said

There is nothing left to Google.”

That’s when I first figured it out. Google is not the answer to every life question. Google cannot calm a crying baby or ease the pain of teething for your little one. Google can however confuse the heck out of you. Millions of forums with parents debating the age old ‘cry it out’ question will likely leave you staring blankly at your phone screen until the wee hours of the morning.

On the Road to Recovery

Deep breath. I’ve decided to break my Google addiction and to narrow my focus to websites that provide quality parenting information only. Don’t get me wrong, Google is not the enemy, but it is also not the  answer to all of life’s problems. I want to think of it as a magical tool used to locate high quality resources floating beneath the layers and layers of  misinformation tangled in the interwebs.

I am now very fortunate to spend my workdays searching for high quality parenting information as part of the OSU Parenting Education Team. The OPEC website will soon be launching a page of dedicated high quality parent resources so that the next time you are up at 3am desperately asking Google how to navigate the teething process, you will have some framework to know which sites to trust and which sites to trash. Even if you say no to Google, let’s face it…Google happens. It happens late at night when you change a diaper and it happens early in the morning when your child refuses to eat.

To develop these parenting resources, the OPEC team is looking to hear from parents and anyone who supports parents to learn what kinds of resources would be most helpful. We are launching a new campaign called #BEthePARENT that will center on the development of parenting resources that will help you to be the be the parent that you want to be. You are invited to be part of this journey by giving us your honest feedback. We will listen, and we will create.

Most importantly, parents should know that every child is unique. I don’t mean this in some phony bumper sticker kind of way. I mean it to say that you know your child best, so it’s not always necessary to depend on outside information (research-based or not) to get your answers. If you ever feel lonely or disconnected on your own parenting journey just remember that there are many parents out there going through similar situations. You can also take a parenting class to connect and learn more from other parents and instructors.

Now to cheese it up: Put the phone down, say goodbye to Google, take a deep breath and be the best parent you can be.


About the Author

Karley Lewis is a member of the OSU Parenting Education Team at Oregon State University. She holds a Masters degree in Psychological Science from California State University, Chico. Karley is a new-ish mom who is having fun trying to learn the ropes of parenting. In her free time, she enjoys hanging out with family, playing a mean game of coed softball, painting and exploring the food and fun of Corvallis. To contact her, please email: karley.lewis@oregonstate.edu.

 

*Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative or Oregon State University.

The Benefits of Practicing Mindfulness with Children at Home

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. This simple phrase is a common component of mindfulness, which has become a powerful tool in teaching parents and young children how to regulate their emotions and behaviors. Mindfulness is defined as maintaining a state of awareness and attention to your thoughts and emotions and being fully present in each and every moment. Being mindful means that we try not to let what happened in the past or what will happen in the future distract us from experiencing what is going on right now, in the present moment. Mindfulness can be particularly beneficial for parents because it allows us to be in tune with ourselves, which helps us to develop better relationships with our children. We also become more aware of certain emotional cues that may produce unwanted reactions in response to our children’s behavior. Many say that mindfulness, or really being present, is a parent’s greatest gift to his/her children.

For adults, the most common way to cultivate mindfulness is through meditation-based exercises. During these activities, adults practice focusing their attention on their moment-to moment experiences, which often involves concentrating on the breath as it moves in out and out of their bodies. When a thought comes into the mind, adults are instructed to acknowledge the thought, but then redirect their attention back to the breath. These types of purposeful and reflective mindfulness exercises train our brains to rely less on automatic and emotional reactions (which we then often ruminate over!), and instead choose kinder and more compassionate responses.

Research suggests that adults who practice mindfulness incur many benefits, including reductions in overall stress levels and improvements in physical health, brain functioning, memory, attention, and social-emotional skills, such as coping, empathy, and emotion regulation.

In recent years, scholars have begun to explore the benefits of practicing mindfulness for young children. It was once thought that mindfulness was too abstract and complex for children to understand; however, new research suggests that when presented with developmentally appropriate activities, children as young as four years old can grasp the core aspects of mindfulness and enjoy mindfulness exercises. This research also demonstrates that children who participate in mindfulness exercises show improvements in their self-regulation and social-emotional competence. Specifically, mindfulness exercises have been shown to help children develop the skills needed to pay attention, remember and follow instructions, adapt to changing situations, wait their turn, regulate emotions, and engage in prosocial behaviors. Although most of these studies have taken place in preschool settings, parents can engage in mindfulness exercises with their children at home too. Below, we provide some ideas for parents for practicing mindfulness with their young children.

Breathing meditation:

Breathing meditation can be done anywhere (e.g., in the car, waiting in line), but the easiest place to get started is in a quiet comfortable space at home. To begin, either sit in a comfortable position with your child or lie down. Then, ask your child to close his/her eyes and take deep breaths, in and out, through his/her nose and concentrate on the breath. You may want to have your child place his/her hand on the belly to feel as it goes up and down with his/her breath. For young children, placing a stuffed animal on the belly when they are lying down can also help them visualize the breath going in and out of their bodies. Practice breathing in and out with your child and explain why breathing is so important to us (e.g., it brings oxygen to our lungs, can help us feel relaxed, and can help us calm down if we are feeling upset). When you first begin to practice mindful breathing with your child, he/she may only be able to concentrate for a short amount of time (e.g., 30 seconds for a 4-year-old); however, over time and with continued practice, your child will be able to concentrate for longer periods of time.

Walking meditation

Walking meditation can be a fun and engaging mindfulness exercise for children as you are on your way to school or a neighbor’s house or if you’re on a hike! Paying close attention to how we feel as we walk and what is going on around us can help us bring awareness to the present moment. To start a walking mediation, ask your child to pay attention to how his/her feet feel as they are walking on the ground (e.g., does the ground feel hard under your feet or soft? Bumpy or smooth?). Next, ask your child to pay attention to the sites and sounds he/she sees and hears (e.g., do you hear birds? Cars? Wind?). For some children, it can help to make walking meditation more of a game. For example, you could pretend to be turtles walking silently and slowly, paying attention to your legs as they move up and down. After a few minutes, try walking even slower! Or, you could pretend to be foxes, walking as slowly, steadily, and silently as you can as you search for food or hide from a mountain lion. As you are walking like foxes, ask your child to pay close attention to his/her feet to make sure he/she is walking as quietly as possible and listening to the sounds around him/her.

Yoga:

Yoga is another mindfulness activity that children of all ages can enjoy and benefit from. When practicing the poses with your child, it is important to help him/her focus on their breath (e.g., let’s hold the pose for three long breaths, 1 – 2 – 3). There are many yoga poses that children enjoy, including, but not limited to, tree pose, frog pose, and downward dog. To get into tree pose, ask your child to stand up tall with his/her feet about shoulder width apart. Then, ask your child to put his/her right foot on his/her left ankle or calf. Finally, ask your child to “grow his/her tree” by slowly moving the arms above his/her head like branches. To get into frog pose, ask your child to stand up tall with his/her feet slightly wider than shoulder width apart. Then, ask your child to turn his/her feet outward slightly and squat down so their bottom almost touches the ground. To get into downward dog, ask your child to stand up tall with his/her feet about shoulder width apart. Then, ask your child to bring his/her hands to the ground and walk them out a bit in front of his/her feet. The goal here is to have children’s bodies look like an upside down “v.” A fun yoga exercise to do with your child after a few poses is lion’s breath. This can be done standing or sitting in a comfortable place. Ask your child to take a deep breath in, and when it is time to breathe out, ask your child to open his/her mouth wide, stick out his/her tongue, and loudly sigh out the breath.


We hope these recommendations are helpful as you begin to practice mindfulness at home with your child! Remember, the benefit of mindfulness for parents and children is just a deep breath away!


References

Corthorn, C., & Milicic, N. (2016). Mindfulness and parenting: A correlational study of non-meditating mothers of preschool children. ​Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25, 1672-1683.

Flook, L., Smalley, S. L., Kitil, M. J., Galla, B. M., Kaiser-Greenland, S., Locke, J., et al. (2010). Effects of mindful awareness practices on executive functions in elementary school children. Journal of Applied School Psychology, 26, 70–95.

Greenland, S.K. (2010). The mindful child: How to help your kid manage stress, and become happier, kinder, and more compassionate. New York, NY: Atria.

Power, T. (2009). The ABCs of yoga for kids. Pacific Palisades, CA: Stafford House.

Razza, R. A., Bergen-Cico, D., & Raymond, K. (2015). Enhancing preschoolers’ self-regulation via mindful yoga. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24(2), 372-385.

Zelazo, P.D., & Lyons, K.E. (2012). The potential benefits of mindfulness training in early childhood: A developmental social cognitive neuroscience perspective. ​Child Development Perspectives, 6, 154-160.


About the Authors

Dr. Sara Schmitt is an Assistant Professor at Purdue University. She joined the Human Development and Family Studies faculty in the fall of 2013 after receiving her Ph.D. from Oregon State University. Her research is broadly focused on optimizing young children’s development in multiple contexts.  Dr. Schmitt studies factors that support children’s school readiness, with an emphasis on self-regulation, executive function, social competence, and early academic skills. She incorporates mindfulness practices into her research and also into her personal life.

Irem Korucu is a graduate student in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Purdue University. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology and master’s degree in Developmental Psychology from Koc University, in Turkey. Her primary research interests focus on children’s social, emotional and socio-cognitive development, self-regulation, school readiness as well as the influence of family processes and parenting on these domains. She is also interested in intervention development and evaluation in early childhood. ​

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